The RECLAIMED Road

Cowboy, my friend:

dp is a guy who showed up in my church. Stood up and praised God for his ability to pay rent for the first time in 15 years.
God told me to give him $100, even though he said he was doing well financially.

A month or so later, I decided to go to MST Charlotte. Wanted a traveling buddy, and again, felt led toward dp. We spent 8 hours in a car together and shared a hotel room.

At that time, I found out that he was taking estrogen, taking an anti-depressant, and had LOTS of issues. I thought he dressed weird.

A few weeks later, my wife asked me if maybe we should take dp in. He was living in a hostile environment. Being used financially, and very unhappy. I said no way. God said otherwise, and it took me about a week to come around.

I found his perspective very one-sided, but in he came.
Saw a lot of progress with his involvement in our prayer group, his handling of anxiety issues, desire and willingness to change his circumstances and even a lot of help with my business (he's really gifted in website development.)

We developed a friendship that I value, and in a number of ways, he has become a welcome addition (temporarily) to our family.

to be continued....

First, let me preface this by saying there are NO same-sex-attraction issues. In fact, there is cross-gender revulsion at the heart of this post.

I may be a bit naieve, but it took me a while to realize that all dp's clothing is women's clothing. I had made the comment to a friend "at least he's not a cross-dresser" as a toung-in-cheek way of saying that I was overlooking his estrogen consumption. So when I noticed bras and blouses in his clothing hanging on the door, I had to deal with the fact that he actually is. Don't get me wrong, I already understood his gender-confusion (belief that he should have been born a woman), and accepted him in spite of it. So I talk to my wife, pray, and decide that this is not the issue of the day and I'd let it be.

My family went out of town last weekend, and I got a call from him that he just underwent a severe spiritual attack, very confused. Bondage. Talk of discussions with spirits. Apparently, he emptied the contents of his room into my office during his "episode" of hooking up chains, wire, ribbon, cords and locks to his bed.

My wife was in the office and noticed something disturbing, one of my daughter's toys on his desk. We started going through is room and removed the chains, cords, locks, hood, etc from the room, and found an "anal stimulator" fashioned from my daughter's block-string toy.

We found (he told me they were there) pictures on his camera of him painting his own dick black with spray paint, with makeup on, looking all drugged up, with black eyes (as if he were posessed or something.)

For some reason, he is still here. My wife and I (after she got done crying) discussed it, prayed it out, and then confronted him and the things that need to change if he is to stay. My first instinct was to go file for a restraining order and throw his out on the curb. Then I remembered my calling into this situation, and the fact that dp notified me that these events had occurred, and asked for my help.

There are obviously some very deep issues here. The first was to evaluate if he is a physical danger to my family. Myself, my wife, my brother and a trusted "manic" friend of mine agree in the evaluation that he poses no physical threat.

The second is that his gender identity is just plain unacceptable in my home. I thought I was not homo-phobic, but ... continued in next post....

when he came out of his room in a woman's blouse, pink bra strap showing, high-water pants and black boots and wanted to talk, it was more than I could rationally deal with.

It's like he's trying to piss me off. He is trying to get me to believe that what he wears is not relavant, and there is so much other good to focus on. This after he agreed to wear men's clothing for the rest of his time here.

The problem is that I value this man. What I believe about him is that he was born into a situation where he was oppressed from day one. He has deep self-hatred issues, admittedly, but my belief is that his gender association is a response (how he deals with) the rejection of masculinity.

I desperately want him to believe that God created him a man intentionally, and be open to the possibility that it is not right and he is that way because of a spiritual oppression.

There's a lot on the line here. He has a history of being suicidal. I am working toward his FREEDOM, mentally, emotionally, financially and spiritually, but it's getting really hard to separate them out.

I know the medications he is on are needed to deal with the symptoms of his condition, but I am encouraging him to get to the root of the issue.

He has victory over his alcoholism, and has 12-stepped his way into sobriety. As far as cross dressing is concerned, I don't have the right or desire to tell him that wearing women's clothing is a sin, because it's not. The issue for me is that it is not an acceptable lifestyle for my home. And as far as what I believe about him, that the deviant behavior is a symptom of a severely broken spiritual situation.

I guess that's enough for now, I have asked him to seek you out, and he has already read several of your posts. I know your issues are different, but whatever you found when you went through your deliverance deal sounds like it may benefit him as well.

Right now, he's in denial that his gender identity is a problem. I see it as directly tied (somehow) to the bondage issue that he recognizes as a life-threatening problem.

Thanks in advance.

One thing that stands out to me with real relevance is this...

He is not trying to piss you off by dressing the way he does, he is testing you to see if you care enough about him to not kick him out when he takes things to the edge. He is trying to see if he can get you to reject him, just like most other men in his life most likely have. His wounded side desperately wants you to pass the test and in another sadistic way, if you rejected him then he'd be able to say to himself "see, I was right, nobody cares about me" . He would then just add you to the notches on his belt of rejection and give in a little more to the hopelesness in his life.

He needs a strong male influence in his life that is not going to give up on him.

Now, this does not mean that you cannot lovingly draw boundaries, which you apparently have done. It is not unreasonable to make it a rule that when he is living in your home that he has to abide by your rules. If his cross dressing makes you or your family uncomfortable in your home, then it needs to be explained to him. Also, I think you are in bounds to speak into his life about appropriate behaviour with relationship to sexual issues he has and may be acting out in your home. If you see things that he is doing or has done that are unacceptable male behaviors, then lovingly bring these things up and point out to him that you have small children and a wife to think about and that even though your household may not be aware of what he is or has been doing to himself in this area, it is not an acceptable practice in a Christian home and you respectfully request that he not practice these things while in your home. To do it out of respect for your wishes as the head of your household and your authority in that area. This may not completely qualm him practicing these things but it will bring it to his attention and he may just honor your request because of how you approach it. At the very least, it will be on his mind from the moment he thinks of doing something he knows you have set a boudary on.

Build him up in his strengths. Build him up in anything you see as a positive in his life. This will touch his heart inside like you never know, even if he does his best to hide it it will affect him in a positive way that he will hold onto for a lifetime.

I don't know a lot about cross-dressers. I guess I'd try to affirm his maleness as much as possible and just confirm that God made him a man and that he should dress like one because God doesn't make mistakes. I do believe that I read here lately in the scriptures that men are to dress in men's clothing and women in womens and it is detestable in God's sight for them to do otherwise, I will try to locate the scripture.

Hang in there, I'll try to reread all this and answer more later, hope this helps.

cowboy

On the estrogen issue...

He is taking estrogen for one reason, he wants to become a woman. It is a step towards becoming a transsexual. I don't know if you are aware of that. If you understand it for what it is, he desires the love of a man and it trying to take the steps he thinks are necessary to attain that in a way he can make acceptable. In essence, he is wanting to change himself into a woman so he can be with a man. It is a SSA issue in the basic sense. I'm not saying he is attracted to you but you do need to see and understand the underlying issues here. Transsexuals are offended by "homos" or those with SSA because they think they do not have the same issue, they were born into the wrong body, so, they think they are only desiring what they should because they were a mistake. Those with SSA issues are deviants in theor minds and they are just trying to correct a wrong in their lives. I stand by this statement, God does not make mistakes and call it what you want, they want a relationship with a man and are trying to modify things so it is acceptable in their minds.

He has spiritual issues. He has wounds. The painting his body black speaks volumes into that. Has he made a comittment to Jesus Christ as his Lord and Saviour? That has to be in place. If he has, you need to ask his permission to speak into his life. If he gives it, then you must prepare for a lot of stuff. You must make sure your family and household are covered in the protection of prayer and that there is no area of unconfessed sin in your lives. His issues have a spiritual basis and I believe he is in bondage to spiritual oppression if a beleiver or demonic possession if not. Those spirits must be dealth with but before that happens all of you must be prepared and covered in the armour and protection of God. He has to understand the roots of his wounds and be able to recognize how that has affected his life and be willing to give all of that up to the Lord. He has to recognize a lot of things before he can attain freedom. He will be a work in progress. He is most liely more wounded than I ever was and he is going to have to be willing to dig in for a battle. This probably will not happen in a timely manner as we would like it, but God will time it as He sees fit to. A lot has to be undone to allow him to see the truth about himself.

Speaking into his life... if he gives permission, you need to take on the estrogen issue and let him talk about what that is all about. Listen and try to pick up on where he is coming from. Don't let revulsion shine through in you. Listen and then absorb it, then talk it over with those you trust with the issue and then seek where God wants you to go with it. I'm sure He will reveal that to you. he is going to have to let go of the estrogen at some point, he will have to come to terms that he is a man and should be a man and make a comittment to that, in one way, by giving up the estrogen and letting himself be who God created him to be. He must realize that he is not a freak of nature, he is precious and priceless in the eyes of God and that he is not a mistake, that God created him a man and that is what he is supposed to be.

to be continued...

cowboy

It's like drinking from a fire hose. The data is pouring in.

Tuesday night, we had a prayer group in our home. Only one lady showed up, and it was great. We talked about spiritual warfare among other things, and I specifically prayed that the name of dp's opressing demon would be revealed to me.

After putting my daughter to sleep, I woke up at midnight and found him milling around the house downstairs, in a tight woman's shirt, with a pink bra strap showing. He was disfunctional. He was provocative, in that he was glorifying perversion and saying things that were repulsive to me, and it seemed like he was trying to provoke me.

It got so out of hand, that I finally reached across the island and put both hands on his shoulders, looked him straight in the eye, and asked the spirit, "what is your name?". Without so much as a blink or a smirk, he said, "Casanova". I thought he was just messing with me, so I blew it off and just started praying for him in a general sense, and went to bed.

The next morning, my wife found a cake she had made, ripped into "as if by an animal", with the plastic wrap torn open at the top and crumbs all over the counter and the floor. She went up stairs to ask him about it, and he was asleep, in the fetal position, in women's panties, on the floor on the thrshold of his room with both doors open. That was the last straw.

I got back from my run (had my older daughte with me on her bike) and my wife and youngest were outside, and she was REALLY upset. I went up and told him to "GET UP, GET DRESSED, AND GET OUT".

We agreed to meet at a cofee shop at 11, and he no-showed. He called and we agreed to meet at a different coffee shop, and he wasn't there either, because he went to an AA meeting and they took his keys.

He had not drank, but was drugged up. Seems he took about 21 Aderol, and then drove. I spoke with a couple older guys who have known him for a couple years and seen the pattern before. They convinced me to admit him to the local psych ward.

I admitted him on Wednesday afternoon, didn't get home till 10:30pm.

I have since cleaned out his van, packed up his room and visited him 3 times in the psych ward.

I found vikadin in his room today, and have yet to find out from him what part that plays in the equation.

He is terrified of not having a place to sleep or shower. He says that he'll off himself rather than go back to street living. He is ANGRY because he was doing so well, and then this all breaks out.

If I were single, I'd take him back in and regulate his medication and give him a few more chances. The issue about losing time and not having control over his actions makes him an unacceptable risk for my kids and wife. I am forced to kick him out.

I am considering allowing him to sleep here, only bringing in a change of clothes--no computer, no ANYTHING that he had in his room before, and only for a few days until we can find him a half-way house to live in. I hope I don't have to. Too much stress. I can't sleep any more with him around. It's affecting my work and taking too much away from my family.

I'm weary, I'm broken hearted, and I'm really, really disappointed.

Do not be discouraged. it takes time and a lot of patience to help someone that has such deep issues. Remember cowboy? 4 years after God got cowboy's attention cowboy got delivered, 4 years! If you understand that God has enough confidence in you to entrust this man to you for help, guidance and compassion, that is an awesome thing! God had you and him cross paths for a reason, let that play out. I know you have stretched and taken chances, good job! God is on your side and his. God must know you have the ability to be used to help this person and that is such a testimony of His mercy, grace and compassion being extended through you and your family.

BLESSINGS!!!!!! to you and your family for reaching out where everyone else is trying to discourage you. Do not let stuff or people set you back, stand firm! You've shown compassion and I think God will lead you to do so in even more abundance, He will give you the strength to do this and help you out in every step, as long as you keep your eyes on Him and seek His will, not mans.

Do what you are lead to do... seek His will... trust God in this.

cowboy

This is where we are.

No half-way house came through, he's been kicked out of the two (previously) that his new sponsor was trying to get him into.

I give him one pill (his ADD upper) a day, since he has just less than one a day left for the rest of the month, on his way out the door in the morning. He is out before I leave the house.

We had a great time of prayer after he showed up in the middle of an anxiety attack Monday night and begged me to lay hands on him and pray. This came after I got him out of the psychward and he tried to go to a 6pm AA meeting and called his mom. She said that she was under spiritual attack as well and told him to go get prayed for.

During the prayer, he renounced that particular spirit, looked down at his woman's clothing in disgust, and removed his watch. Gave it to my wife and said "take this. It's a woman's watch. I won't be needing it any more."

Tuesday was a day full of prayer, scripture, good meetings and he started reading "The Shack". He was so pumped up from his positive day Tuesday, that he didn't sleep Tuesday night.

He helped me go through the first step Tuesday night, and the discussion was both great and powerful for both of us.

Last night (Wednesday), he was anxious, and telling me that he needs the estrogen to ward off the temptation and sexual issues, and thought processes that would lead him back to alcohol. He told me that even his shrink at the place he just got out of told him that he should continue that.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?

dp told me that he WANTED his estrogen. I told him that he could have the whole box on the way out the door if he wasn't planning on coming back. This morning, he asked for his one other pill, and said that he'd rather have the estrogen as well, but that was not his decision.

This psycho-emotional rollercoaster is wearing me out. I desperately want him to stay even and up, selfishly so he can help me though the 12 steps for me to examine my own life, and unselfishly so he gets on his feet. I just feel like my grace box is empty and he keeps reaching in.

I need to be filled.

He's out. Decided that having his estrofem is more important than having a place to sleep and shower. Can't blame him, my rules were tough.

He moved in with a 60-day promise, that he had 60 days, and we'd consider longer only if he abided by the rules of the house and contributed to the household instead of adding stress to it.

He tried convincing me that requiring him to be off the estrogen was a bad decision, and when I stuck to it, he said I was being flippant with his life. I was OK with the estrogen until I saw with my own eyes that the female identity is linked--no, bound-- to the issues of oppression and self hatred.

What makes it hard is that I see a LOT of good in this guy, I see improvement and a desire to improve. I see a heart that loves the Lord and begs for deliverance. He finally admitted today that his female identity issues are a problem, but he's not willing to take that problem on at this time. My only real concern is that acceptance of that lie (that taking the pill is the only way to deal with his masculine urges) opens the door to the oppression. The oppression brings on the acting out of self-hatred, bondage, and perversion, and will continue to sabatoge his success at the very least, and kill him at the most.

I couldn't get him to understand that the structure, and the rules of the house were a form of love to teach him an accountability, consideration of others and honesty that he has apparently never had. Those traits are required if he's to stop being a nomad.

So tonight, he will most likely sleep in his van in the Walmart parking lot. I pray he doesn't overdue his medication, but every shred of history predicts that he will not have any pills left inside three days. He will most likely use the anxiety of being homeless as an excuse to take the pills. He will most likely blame my rigidness on his being homeless.

I cannot accept responsibility for all that, I can and will only pray that I am wrong, and God gives him the strength to stand tall and do the next right thing.

He has so much to give. What a testimony it will be WHEN he is freed.
Lord, please give him what it takes.

I will still be a friend, business associate, advocate, encourager, prayer partner, 12-step student.... but I won't be he patron, or an enabler of the disfunction that has brought him down so many times. And I won't sacrifice the health and safety of my family any longer while the manipulation and excuses continue.

I should be relieved, but I am sad.

Altar Ego... you will be so glad that you made the Road password protected after you read this... please allow mercy and grace to flow like a river... Love Ya for all you are doing for this man...

I'm sorry that it appears to have gone badly. There are going to be times when it looks worse than it may actually be. I've been covering him in prayer and you along with your family.

Gonna stretch out here and tell you how I see the estrogen issue... he needs to be off it and deal with the issues that come out. Men have to deal with testosterone, it builds in the system and makes you horny. Different men deal with it in different ways and he has to find an alternative to taking estrogen to calm his sexual desires. A lot of people would disagree with what I'm going to say here, but instead of taking female hormones when the testosterone builds up, he needs to let off the steam through a healthy, non-fantasy bleed off via Rosy Palm. I have achieved that in the past, where it was solely for the purpose of relieving the built up pressure and it resulted in the ability to focus on other life issues. I believe that God intentionally left the big "m" issue out of the Bible for a purpose. He knew that the tension built up in some individuals would be so intense that digital enhancement could be used in a healthy way to relieve the pressure. Just my view and in no way do I want to be misunderstood. With proper focus, one can have the relief he is looking for accomplished through the natural way to relieve it. I understand that this could be misused and, as with everything, abused if not set out with the right focus and intentions. I know that when I practiced this form of release, it helped me take my mind off the sexual things because the tension was eliminated. I know that this advice may come across as odd, but I've been there and this really did help me get past some of the issues I was dealing with and allow me to take others on. It iis one if those areas where the line can be crossed into sin so easily that one has to be extremely careful how it is approached.

Hope I have not offended anyone here with this option to his estrogen therapy. Not advocating taking things into your own hands as the alternative to taking it all to God, as we should. I do understand the intensity of the male hormone buildup and just how it can mess with the mind. I do feel that taking a female hormone to combat the natural male hormone being made by the body is worse than what I have suggested. I still feel strongly that it is not in the Bible because self manipulation has a place and it can be done and not be a sin in and of itself. The sin would enter if the act was associated with a sin, such as fantasizing, etc.

I will pray for him and for all of your family AltarEgo, as I have. I believe that God is not done with any of us in this and I do pray that I have not offended you in any way and if you hold that the above is a sin, in and of itself, then I honor that belief.

Maybe he needs a "night out" to see just how valuable you are to him and just how loving you have been to him, I beleive he'll come around. if he does, follow God's leading...

Love ya, cowboy

Cowboy,

Thanks for all your help with the "Wits' End" post. I have moved it to an admin section that users cannot see because dp feels like I violated his trust by posting his issues online. So much for trying to help.

I had no problem and took no offense to your last post, and would have left it out there if it were not for dp's request.

Unfortunately, he said that he beat off so much when off estrogen that his dick would get raw, and he experienced rage and uncontrolable urges that the hormones took away.

I agree with you that it is time for him to face the issue and be willing to let God process it out HIS way, but dp is not there.

I have to be content to have been the one to expose the truth of his spiritual oppression and get him to admit that his gender confusion is truly a problem.

I have also caught him at his own game of manipulation and tried to instruct him on how to avoid such issues (wearing out your welcome) in the future. I believe I have taken it as far as I can in terms of being a major influence in his life.

God knows, and I'll be sure to follow His lead.

This PM will be the last post in Wits' End. If I ever get dp's permission to post it all again, it will resurface to help others in the future, hopefully that will come after his deliverance, healing, restoration, and RECLAMATION!

-xmar
A.K.A. AltarEgo

Is this the end?...
This letter is from me to him. His email prompting this letter is at the bottom.
____________________________________

I'm sorry that you are not doing well. I pity in you the inability to lay the blame where it belongs.

I do not accept your blame, and will continue to search out the truths that set us free.
I encourage you to do the same.

If you're ever interested, I am beginning to learn about the deliverance ministry, and will be glad to share with you what I learn.

As is consistent with true friendship, you will most likely find me quick to forgive and eager to do what I can for you, but should you continue to lash out, the bridge will eventually be burned beyond repair. I can only see this email as a call for help.

A few parting thoughts, just in case you should forget. (I am reminded of what a villain S was in your eyes when you came to me, and I can only imagine what you tell people about me now that I have "thrown you out" of my home.)

We took you in when you said that you had a hostile environment and that you wanted to do ministry in Wilmington.
I helped you peacefully negotiate with S when he was seeking to have you arrested.
We housed you at our expense.
We fed you at our expense.
I shared my FAMILY with you.
I took a big hit on my income due to the time it took for me deal with the challenges you brought.
I introduced you to my friends and brought you business, and you were productive. My hope was to continue to help you in business.
The emotional investment required to put up with your addiction, your schedule, and yes, the danger to my family was more than I have ever given to anyone.

You worked your own way out of here.
You took too much medication.
You swore at me, hit on me (while under the control of Casanova), cursed my "-hole" house and blamed me for your every failure.
You chose to over-medicate and wrongly medicate yourself rather than to accept the help that I offered.

I encouraged you, prayed for you, prayed with you, gave you money, cleaned out your stinking van, filled it with gas (you're welcome), got the bondage paraphernalia out of MY guest room, picked up your -covered anal stimulator that you made out of my daughter's toys, and erased all the sick, self incriminating pictures off your camera, then I visited you when you were in the psych ward, and gave you a place to sleep and eat when you got out.

So what exactly did I do that was so horrible?
How did I offend you?

I sought your help with the 12 steps. We made it to 1.5.
I gladly accepted your "help" with my website after you swore that my family would be blessed as a result of your being here. It still is not finished.
(I do thank you for the name, the ideas, and the logo. You do good work.)
You were a welcome addition to our prayer group, now we pray for you instead of with you.

I hope this is the last dark chapter in your book, the rock bottom that comes from accepting the reality of your own choices.
Your story is tragic, your memories are sordid, and your beliefs are misguided.
You truly are a victim of spiritual oppression, but Christ gave us power over that and you don't need to stay that way.

You came so close to letting go and living for the benefit of others.
Your story is valuable, but only as a testimony of what God can save you from, and only if it is used to give others hope.
That part of you that is not controlled by addiction or evil is the part I will always call "friend".
Your soul has value to me. Your spirit belongs to God.

I believed in you. I saw the good in you. I understood what you wanted to be. I helped you get as close to "normal" as you could stand.
I believe you can make it, but not until you let go of the self-hatred you are projecting onto me, and the self-pity that prompted to you send this poetically damning email.

I wish you well.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From:
Sent: Monday, September 08, 2008 8:06 AM
To:
Subject:


I have lost all.

I cast upon you credit

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